A man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, visited the local doctor. John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat? Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off.

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people. Doctor: Tell me about your problem. Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!

Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room. Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next.

A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging. Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams? Patient: Why? Doctor, it wasn't all...

Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow. Doctor: How do you feel? Patient: A little down in the mouth.

Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled? Dentist: $100.00. Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work? Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.

Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place! Doctor: I am, bit by bit.

Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points? Doctor: Sell!

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night? Nurse: No change yet.

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here? Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus. Patient: What happened? Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like...